The Chapter of My Life
Life Story of Aurora
An unhappy man is a happy one. Because he is unaware, and unawareness is sometimes a blessing. I, Aurora Janet, share with you a chapter in my life. And all of the ups and downs and messy bits that came with it.
It was a hot summer day, with the sun at its highest, shining its bright rays. On a Monday in September. The day when I started my University. I stood in a new place which was predestined for me, where my eyes couldn’t find anyone that I knew. I was a shy and silent type, just noticing everyone around me. Busy with their lives. Where would a new comer like me fit in? With words echoing in my head, asking me how I could survive in a place unknown to me.
I was musing upon this when suddenly a boy appeared in front of me and asked, “Are you a Freshman?” I replied in a silent voice, “Yes, I am.” He smiled and showed me the way to the Orientation, where all other Freshmen like me were gathering. I gave the boy a grateful smile and walked inside the hall.
I sat in the middle rows of chairs arranged in the hall. Not too out in the front, and not too in the back, lest my nerves show. The middle was the perfect place.
After settling in, I did what I do best, notice everyone around me. Observing them.
And there, for the very first time, I saw a boy in front of me. A silent boy. Doing the same thing I was doing. Observing. With sad dejected eyes. I titled my head to the side. Something gnawing at me. Maybe it was the look on his face. Or how sad his eyes were. Or maybe it was because of the people surrounding him, laughing and joking, while he carried on in his own little world. I knew that look. I carried that same look on my face every day.
I found out his name. Silas Blake.
Silas. Of the forest. What a beautiful and strange name.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Maybe life teaches us something on a daily basis. Maybe we’re wrong. Maybe it teaches us something in every single moment. If you’re ready to fall. Look around you, there is always someone beside you or behind you. Ready to catch you. You make a connection with everything and everyone around you in just a blink of an eye.
Your every breath is planned ahead of time.
Weeks passed after that day. I saw Silas a handful of times. Weeks turned into months. Exams started. Everyone turned anxious. Afraid of failing. Afraid of being judged for it. Can there be a perfect student in Universities? A student that works hard with no distractions. Who only comes to study and become a successful person? I don’t think so. Every person wishes to have fun in their lives. Have adventures. Be silly and bold and take risks every once in a while. That would be what I call the proper University experience. Living life to its fullest.
And then when exams start. Tame the fun monster and study hard for a change.
The hall in which I was seated was a large one. And my seat was next to the boy with the sad eyes. Silas. I tried to listen to his voice. He was talking to someone next to him. I tried to subtly lean in and listen to what he was saying. To this day I hadn’t heard his voice once. He had a deep and low tone.
The thing is, when you take an interest in someone, you want to know every single aspect of them. The way they speak. What their hobbies are. How the spent their day. What’s their favorite song. What makes them happy and so unequivocally…..Sad.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Beard Bushwic
Winter was lost to the fragrances of roses. Spring had arrived. There was color and scents everywhere I turned. Such beauty surrounding us.
I didn’t see him. Let alone talk to him. I didn’t even dare looking in his direction like those girls that are bold enough to set their gazes on him. But I always thought he was the most beautiful person. Both inside and out. Something about him was so inherently good and kind. His sadness however, was a constant torment for me. My thoughts always turned in a direction where I questioned how he could be so calm and solemn? So lost and sad? What grief does he carry with himself? How could he look that way and take my breath away?
Everyone goes through grief in their lives. Even the smallest of things can make us sad. But judging someone because of that grief? That’s cruel. Instead of helping them, we judge them in their hard times. Why can’t we be kind to those that face a harsher threat in their head and heart? Why can’t we try to understand them and search for a way to make them happy?
Maybe that was what I wanted to do for Silas. Make him happy again.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Your emotions should always be under control. Your feelings guarded. Because if you feel too much, your wellbeing will be harmed.
In the beginning, I tried to control my emotions. I tried to put my entire concentration on my studies. I wasn’t involved in anything extracurricular. Nor was I that much of a social butterfly.
But one day, that all changed. Like I said, your every breath is planned.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
All I wanted was to see Silas happy. For him to smile every once in a while. Because I used to believe that one should live their life for others. To dedicate themselves to others. But now I believed that pain an important part of our life. It teaches us how to survive. To remember. It makes us who we are. So we should treat pain like a royalty. Because the wound is where the light enters you. It makes us a better version of ourselves. Everything happens for a reason. A reason that is beyond our thoughts, it makes us a better person than we are today. A better version of our past self. So dealing with it makes us a better version of ourselves.
Most of us think that this world is like a garden full of roses and lilies, and that these flowers are for them and them only. And the ones that are left, think that this world is their own personal hell. But why do they do that? Why do we do that? Panic. Anxiety. Depression. How can we stop believing? Think that we are getting the worst of life when no one has a perfect life either. Perfection isn’t exist, yes but we can make it “Almost Perfect” and we all have almost perfect life, so grateful to your Lord because it is obvious we don’t deserve still what we have…
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
The day of September 3rd. A kind of different day for me. I met Silas again in an event organized by my department. I was sitting on a chair in the corner of my lab. It was the very first time Silas watched me. Like he was figuring something out for himself. Gazing at me with abandon.
His hair arranged in a perfectly messy way. A way that says that, ‘I don’t care but I really do’.
I tried to subtly notice him too, and each time found his eyes attached to me. After a while he stepped towards me and asked, “You’re not participating, Aurora?”
I bit my lip and mumbled, “No. Should I have?”
His face shifted in a small smile and he looked away from me. Putting his hands in his pockets as he shook his head, “Well you probably shouldn’t. If you don’t want to. But I haven’t seen you participate in much of anything since you arrived here.”
I shrugged, “Not my scene, I guess. I’m more of a silent observer type of person.”
He grinned. His smile was becoming a new favourite of mine.
“That I also noticed,” he replied as he rubbed his eyes with both hands. And that’s when I noticed that his eyes were bloodshot, probably from not sleeping well.
“Is everything alright with you? You look like you haven’t had a full night’s sleep.” I asked. Concern in my voice.
He was silent for a moment, probably startled at my observation, and then he shrugged, “I’m fine. Just a rough night, I guess.”
With that he hurriedly said goodbye and left, taking his smile and sadness with him. How he must think himself the master of hiding his emotions. Hiding them from others and most probably from himself too. Thinking how he had guarded himself so well from everyone.
Well, he hadn’t met me before. I’m a master at sensing others pain as if it were my own.
Both of us are so similar yet so different from one another. Both of us are quiet and calm by nature. But the difference starts in hiding. I hide my feelings, my anger, my emotions and even my joy from others much much better than he does. In that aspect, I guess I’ve succeeded. But I have failed in hiding my feelings towards him. As he has failed in hiding himself from me.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Time passed. I and Silas became good friends. He grew comfortable taking to me. I expected nothing in return. Not his attention, or his care, or his kind heart. He wasn’t willing to share those with me yet and I was just content to have him as he was.
But how did I forget the law of nature, ‘Everything fades with time. Even love. Even friendship.’ Everything is doomed from the start. It all loses its attraction after some time. Nothing lasts forever.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
I was sitting on the staircase while it was raining outside. Dark heavy clouds that clapped with thunder from time to time. The sounds were terrifying but oh so thrilling. Unbeknownst to me, a smile formed on my face. As I closed my eyes to further the experience.
That was how Silas found me. With a content smile on my face as I blocked out the world. He stood beside me for a moment, staring outside at the downpour. I sensed him near me but I didn’t break the comfortable silence we were engaged in.
After some time he asked in a low voice, “Enjoying yourself?”
“Very,” I replied, my eyes still closed.
“You like the rain.” It was more of a statement than a question.
“I love it, actually, specifically that smell when the first drop hits the ground. Yes I do love the rain” I opened eyes to look at him and found him gazing at the rain with a conflicted expression on his face.
“I don’t like it,” he said.
“Why?” I asked curiously. Who didn’t love the rain?
“I love the way the sky is before the rain. Everything fresh, but only the first drop. I guess I love the rain than but, After that it all gets muddy and that irritates me,” he grimaced at the end.
“Of course, you get irritated. It would ruin your plans of wandering around,” I teased.
He laughed as he turned to look at me, “Because I don’t like being cooped up in my house. It reminds me too much of…. things I’d rather not think about.”
He grew silent after that. By this time, I had heard about the things he refused to think about. Fiona Lake. Just the name brought a torrent of emotions on his face. Not all of them good.
A few weeks after we started hanging out, he finally spilled and told me all about his botched engagement. How the girl he loved left him with a broken heart and a guarded view of the world.
I pursed my lips, “Try to forget about her, Silas. Why are you letting her ruin your life? You’re young. Have fun and enjoy the time you have here with your friends.”
Silas got that shuttered look in his eye, the one that said he was closing up again, he murmured, “I’ve already ruined my life, Aurora.”
My heart hurt for him, “If she can’t understand just how much she means to you, then you shouldn’t waste your time on her. My God, how can she be so heartless?” I snapped.
“Don’t blame her for my mistakes, Aurora.”
“Whatever you’ve done, you’re ashamed. And human, for that matter. Humans make mistakes. But they shouldn’t be punished for them like this.”
My eyes stung from the tears that I tried to hold in. I was so angry at Fiona. For what she let slip through her fingers.
Silas crouched down in front of me until he was eye level with me, “Aurora, listen to me. I’m going to tell you what I did to her. The mistakes I made.”
I bit my lip and nodded my head for him to continue.
He sighed and looked away, I could see his broken heart reflected in his eyes, and I knew just how his next words were going to hurt him, “We had a five year relationship. At the time I was stupid and naïve, thinking this was forever. Things were perfect. We were happy, I didn’t care about the rest. I should have though, because things were far from perfect.
“She told me about her first cousin. A cousin I didn’t even know about. But when she told me about him, and how her family was pressuring her to say yes to the proposal or how her cousin was interested in her himself. I snapped, I got so angry. I couldn’t see anything past my anger. Anger that I took out on her when I shouldn’t have. She was a victim in this. But I didn’t think that way then. We were planning on telling our parents of our relationship and we suddenly fight and the reason behind is, his cousin likeness towards her, she tell me herself about this and her parents try to set her mind for the proposal of her cousin, mean about her marrying someone else, someone that wasn’t me. I reacted badly.
“We fought a lot after that. And then her mother died suddenly. She was so distraught. But I couldn’t see anything past my anger and jealousy. I was brash and distant in those days after her mother’s death. Turns out that in the days when she needed me the most, and I wasn’t there for her, she turned towards the only other person who could. Her cousin.
“For two months this went on. By the time I had realised my mistake, she was already too far from my reach. I practically pushed her into his ready arms. After that I tried talking to her, she didn’t respond. She all but severed ties with me. I loved her so much and yet I pushed her away. So you see, it was my fault that any of this happened. My own damn fault,” he ran a frustrated hand through his hair.
By this time my tears were clouding my eyes at the anguish in which he was in. I placed a hand on his arm, “Silas no, it wasn’t your fault. You made a mistake. You were afraid of losing her. You were willing to make amends afterwards. It’s not your fault.”
He turned bloodshot eyes towards me, “Isn’t it though? All of this could’ve been prevented if I stopped to think of what she was going through. That was what I should have been doing from the start and I failed her in that.”
My grip on his arm tightened, “Apologize, then. Go to her. Make her see reason. Tell her you made a huge mistake. That you never stopped loving her.”
“Didn’t you hear what I said? She doesn’t want anything to do with me!” he said harshly. I pulled back from him.
He hung his head, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you.”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry, I was being insensitive.”
“No, you weren’t. You were being a friend.” Ah, of course, only a friend.
He turned towards some girl walking past us. He pointed towards her and said, “That’s Fiona’s friend. After we fought, she told me what actually went down. That’s the last I’ve heard from Fiona.”
I leaned forward, “Silas, what if I went to talk to Fiona. To talk some sense into her.”
Silas shook his head, “It’s no use. And I don’t want you going to her.”
“But Silas—”
“I said no! Promise me, Aurora. Promise me you won’t go to her!”
I clenched my jaw, he was being stubborn as always, “Okay fine. I won’t go to her, even though I still believe that you should talk to her, at least once. For closure.”
“I know you believe that. But believe this as well, what me and Fiona had was beautiful. We loved and we lost. Our chance was up. And now it’s time to move on,” he said that with so much conviction that I almost believed him.
Fine, Silas, keep lying to yourself, I thought. If you keep telling yourself that you’ve moved on, maybe one day you’ll actually believe it.
And with that thought, I know how I can make him happy. Even if that means that I lose him. At least he’ll be happy.
I have to meet Fiona and convince her to take Silas back.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
November 16th. Today was the day I met Fiona. I walked to her house with a lot of trepidation. After I had contacted her friend and stated my reasons for meeting Fiona, she had readily agreed. Which relieved me because I was already getting seconds thoughts about going to her, thinking she would also react like Silas.
Will she agree to meet Silas? Does she still love him? These thoughts were running through my head when I rang the bell to her house. Her little sister opened the door. And from how she invited me inside made me realise that she was already expecting me. She sat me in the room and left. Probably to call Fiona.
I wrung my hands. Already nervous about the whole ordeal. Doubt began to creep in as Fiona took more time to come. Maybe all of this was a mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t have come here. Maybe Silas was right and the past needed to stay buried.
I was just about to get up and leave when she came in. And she looked everything like I expected her too. Like those girls that are too beautiful without even trying. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and few tendrils were framing her face. She was petite, but still pretty enough.
“You came. I was thinking that maybe you wouldn’t,” her voice was husky. She sat down opposite me on the couch.
I took a deep breath, “I’m Aurora. I don’t know either I introduce you myself yesterday or not—”
“Yes, you were, but you don’t tell me the reason behind to fix this meeting.”
I stiffened, “Then maybe we shouldn’t waste time with pleasantries.”
She smirked, “Of course not. You’re here to defend him. Paint him as the victim here and expect me to take him back just because he’s suffering.”
“Just talk to him once at-least”. She replied “Now it’s too late” I said “He can’t live without you. And you should have to be aware of this fact”
I did not like her. Not one bit. She was presumptuous and she sounded cold. Not at all the type of person Silas Blake would fall for. I glared at her, “You’re conceited.”
But Silas….
“Shshhh; Don’t speak loud and call his name, here every one knows him very well.”
“Ok, Sorry I will not, I almost humbly replied. He is not fine”
“He’ll be soon” She replied confidently
She had a file of me on her hand it was broken from its opening end; she is busy try to fix it and asked “You broke it?” I said “No, I found it already broken, and now it is not gonna be fixed” She replied “It take some try and it will be fixed” ….I said “No sometime the broken things can never be fixed” (We both know whom we are talking about, it is not a file) She said “oh ho than take a new one”, I fix My eyes towards her in a curious way and asked “that will be easy?”. Offcourse She said “If the old ones broken buy a new one, simple.” She look at me then further said “You are younger one now, sooner the day will come when you become elder, and you become mature then, then you will understand what I am saying now.”
“And you’re delusional,” she shot back, “If you think that guy is redeemable after the shit he put me through. After my mother died, I needed him. But he was too busy with his own petty emotions to give a damn. I needed him and he threw me away.”
“But if you would just consider—”
“I’m engaged.”
I drew back. Shocked. My eyes widened as I whispered, “What?”
She took a deep breath and looked away from me, “I’m engaged to my cousin. We’re very happy. I’m going to get married in two months.”
I was at a loss of word, “But Silas is—”
“No longer a part of my future. He’s in the past. And that’s where I want him to stay,” she finished for me.
I shook my head as a bitter laugh escaped my lips, “So what, you just gave up on everything? Everything the two of you shared? Every smile? Every laugh? Every shared secret? Every time he held your hand? Or was there for you when you needed him. And all for what? A horrible time in your lives that both of you could work out, if given some time. You two were happy with each other. He loved you! And he still does.”
She stared at me for a few seconds and then she snorted, “My God, Aurora. Just how long have you been in love with him?”
I shook my head, denying, “I’m not. I just care about him as a friend.”
She laughed, “No, I’m right. You love him. As more than a friend. This is you trying to mend him. Trying to save him.”
How dare she imply such a thing! How dare she try to look into my heart and say that what I felt was as simple as stringing two sentences together? My complicated feelings weren’t simple enough to be summed up in words.
I clenched my jaw and abruptly stood up, “I think I made a mistake in coming here. I see now that nothing can change your mind. I’ll leave. Goodbye, Fiona. Have a happy life.” With that I went to the door but her voice stopped me in my tracks.
“You’ll ruin yourself trying to save him. He can’t be saved. I thought I could. I tried and tried and look where that brought me. Protect your heart from the likes of Silas Blake. Or that bastard will destroy it the first chance he gets.”
I left without looking back.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
“You know, Silas?”
“What?”
I looked into his eyes. Wanting to prolong this moment of silence.
He smiled gently and asked again, “What, Aurora? You want to say something?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Then say it,” he replied in a whisper.
I opened my mouth, willing the words to come out, “I went to see Fiona.”
For a second his eyes shuttered and then his emotions went on lockdown. He was putting up barriers again. Barriers I had thought he no longer needed with me.
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then said in a low voice, “Why?”
I looked away from him, gathering my bearings, already knowing this wouldn’t end well, “I went to talk to her. To make her understand. So that she would see reason and take you back. Because I thought she might still love you too. But…” I stopped.
“But what, Aurora?” he glared at me, “Finish what you started.” He was angry at me. Barely controlled anger.
I looked up at him and said in a low voice, “She’s committed to her cousin.”
Silas stood up abruptly and raked his hands through his hair in frustration. I didn’t dare say a word for some time. Letting him absorb what I just said.
“Say something,” I whispered.
“What do you expect me to say?” He still wasn’t looking at me.
“I met Fiona. I stayed at her house. I met her, and I’m sorry because you made me promise not to go. I talked to her when you told me not to. You made me promise not to go and I didn’t listen, for that I. Am. Sorry.” I took a deep breath and continued, wanting him to understand, “But know that I didn’t go behind your back to hurt you. But just the opposite. I wanted you to stop hurting. I wanted you to be happy. And I thought if I could convince Fiona of your feelings that things would turn out for the best, for both of you. I didn’t want to hurt you. I want you not to ruin your life just. Please don’t be angry at me.”
Silas just kept listening, looking at me with a blank expression. His silence made me assume things. Maybe he was shocked. Or maybe he was mad at me for doing what I did. But couldn’t he understand that I wanted to make him happy?
He clenched his jaw, “I don’t care what you two talked about, or what your true intentions were for going. What I want to know is why you thought you could go behind my back and do something like this.”
“Silas, I—”
“It was none of your business!” he screamed.
I froze, my eyes widened. Silas never yelled. He never screamed and he never be angry. Especially at me.
“You broke my trust because you thought you were doing this all for me. For my happiness. Well, news flash, you just broke my heart all over again. You thought you knew best. I never asked you to go to her. I never asked you to protect me. He looked at me like he hated me. And at that moment, frozen, my heart beating wildly out of my chest, I hated me too.
I stood up from my perch and looked down, my eyes burning from the unshed tears, “I made a mistake.”
“Just go.”
My head whipped up as I stared at him.
“I want to be left alone. Just go, please.”
“Silas, I just wanted to help.”
“Well you’ve helped enough.”
I clenched my fists and walked away from him as fast as my legs could carry me. The damage done. On both of us.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Our argument that day affected me. To feel Silas’s pain, to become attached to him, to go to his lover, trying to convince her to take him back, failing to make him happy. All of that affected me.
Time is the greatest healer. I used to think that as well. But with the passage of time, my wounds did not heal. Neither did Silas’s perhaps, because he didn’t come to me after that day. Maybe with time the wounds festered and grew. In a way that cannot be healed.
Although I wanted Silas. I wanted him to be happy more. Whenever I prayed, I asked for his happiness, not mine. I asked for his sake and not mine. Never mine. I don’t know why that was. Why did my pain stopped mattering along the way? Time taking me to an edge where the road in front of me is fogged. I lost myself somewhere in the middle. My voice can’t reach anyone. I am lost and no one is there to take my hand and guide me.
Such was the extent of my hopelessness.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
The day of his convocation came. May 25th came with a bright and sunny day. I was waiting for the bus that would take me and my friend to where the graduation party was starting. We were talking aimlessly until the bus came and suddenly my friend looked at someone behind me and gasped.
“Aurora, he looks so handsome.”
I turned around, “Who?” And I felt my breath escape me. Silas Blake looked like sin incarnate in a suit.
Unbeknownst to me, a smile creeped up my face, “He sure does.”
I walked to him with shaky legs with my hands folded behind my back. I bit my lip to keep from smiling so hard and said, “You sure do clean up good, Silas Blake.”
He gave me a wicked grin and left for his bus.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
The party went on without a hitch. A memorable day for me and him. He came to me and gave me his signature on a note and told me to open it later. I couldn’t keep my excitement at bay.
At night I lay in my bed and opened the note.
You showed me the freedom to live peacefully when I was so lost to myself.
You were the only one that stayed with me when I needed someone.
For that I am thankful.
-Silas
I read the words so many times until my eyes grew tired and I went to sleep with the note still in my hand. His words echoing in my head all night. That night I dreamt of light….
I woke with a content smile on my face. Thinking those moments existed. I made his pain go away and he made me happy.
He cares for me, I thought, he truly does!
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
The last day of University before summer vacations started. I was done with finals and ready to enjoy summer.
I always used to wait outside of the computer lab to wait for my friends to finish their paper so that we could leave the department together. Silas and his friends were also there. There were so many students out of classes and the hallway was so full at the time.
Silas’s paper was going to start in a few minutes so he was tutoring his friends before they went in. He was gesturing with his hands so much that I couldn’t help but let out a giggle at his antics.
After we all were free we stayed in the department. A senior of ours chatted with us. Telling us about how happy he was to be done with exams and university. We all laughed at his jokes. It truly felt like a great moment.
My friends insisted on me going to Silas and properly telling him goodbye before he left. I was refusing continuously because we hadn’t talked since he gave me that note.
“Come on, Aurora. For God’s sake, just tell the guy already,” one of them said.
“No, he’s leaving. It would be stupid to say anything,” I replied.
One of my friends, Kattie, just shook her head and took a hold of my hand. She started pulling me forward and then she promptly deposited me in front of Silas and said to him, “She wants to say something to you.” After saying that she left. I glared at her back. I was going to get back at her later.
I turned to Silas with a wildly beating heart. He had a smile on his face.
That smile of his. I couldn’t say anything. I opened my mouth and no words came out.
His smile grew, “Say something.”
With my eyes wide, I breathed out, “Bye!” And ran away. So embarrassing.
I went back to my friends. My breathing heavy. They all looked at me with sneaky grins on their faces. I pushed Kattie and said, “You idiot! What did you do!”
“I gave you the necessary push you needed to tell him how you feel. Why? Did it work!”
“No! I ran! I couldn’t say a single word in front of him. So, I ran.”
She facepalmed herself, “I gave you the perfect opportunity and you blew it.”
“I have to go talk to him again.”
She scowled at me, “What did you think?”
I glared at her and then left to search for Silas. He was standing just where I left him. I rushed to him, wanting to say something. Anything!
He was already shaking his head, “You are a mystery, Aurora Janet.”
I leaned my head on my hand and gave him a small smile, “You just figured that out?”
“No, I knew that. Just wanted to tell you.”
I looked around me trying to form the words in my head before I said something stupid to him again.
He titled his head to the side and said in a low tone, “I’m not going anywhere, alright? I’m still here.”
Somehow, he knew the inner war inside of my heart and gave voice to it. Me fearing him leaving me forever there. But his next words stopped my heart.
“No matter what happens. I’ll still be here. I’ll get married. Or you’ll get married and we’ll still be friends.”
I smiled through the cracks in my heart, “Yeah, friends.”
With the heavy heart I climbed up the stair case having dry lips, maybe I feel thirst… That day was quite tired for me and unhappiest one as well….
With a glimpse in the future. Where I put the cracked pieces of my heart back together. I know that we will remain friends. Even though nothing is ever planned for us. Because time changes everything. Every relationship. Every friendship. Everything has a power to fade with time. But there will be a single statement that will resolve the shattered pieces of our soul. A glimpse in the ‘What if’. And that would be the, ‘Once Upon a Time’.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Life goes on. University reopens after vacations. Everything seems normal. Freshmen come and the whole scene reminds me of the time when I was a Freshmen. Everything seems good, but not for me. Silas isn’t around now that he graduated. But my eyes always look for him even though I know he isn’t here.
It feels like I’m in a huge crowd with not a single person that knows me. I’m at that place again where everything is unknown to me.
I go to places where he used to stay. My heart badly missing him. His absence a living entity.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Months went by with no contact from him. Not a single, ‘How are you’ or a ‘Where are you’. Just silence. Like those days we spent together meant nothing to him. Like I didn’t matter to him.
He lied when he said that we were friends. He spoke to me so softly, so lovingly, and listened to me like my words mattered. But all of that was because he thought he owed me something.
He thought he owed me after all I had done for him. Been there for him when he needed me. A shoulder to cry on. A person to talk to. He gave me his pity because he thought he owed me for caring for him.
Such a burden I was for you, Silas.
Maybe he pitied me. Maybe I was an embarrassment to him. After all that I gave, all I got in return was a ‘See you later’ with an expiration date.
Now I realize that the connections that God made for us and the ones we make on our own are different.
Silas once told me that no one could survive life like him because he lived in a torment of his own. He was wrong. He was as wrong as when he told, ‘You don’t know me. You can’t understand me’.
The reality was that one can’t live in torment made by themselves. They can’t self-destruct like that. And the other was that I knew him. I knew his very nature from the day that I met him and the 3 years that I spent reading his eyes. I never believed in the rumors. Because the emotions on his face were enough to tell me everything about him.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
A few months pass when I hear from Silas again.
“Aurora, hey. How are you?” he asks when he calls me.
I can’t hide the surprise from my voice when I say, “I’m great. But why’d you suddenly feel the need to call me out of the blue?”
“Can’t I call my friend whenever I feel like it?” he teases.
I am freeze for a few seconds than replied, “Well, you called. How’re you?”
“Funny you should ask that. I wanted to share some news with you before you find out from someone else. I want you to first hear it from me.”
“Oka-ay?” I say, unsure.
“I’m engaged!”
For a minute, I’m silent. But then in a small voice I say with all the sincerity in my heart for this boy, “I’m so happy for you.”
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
I strongly believe that one should connect with others on a soulful level rather than the physical. So, when they leave you, you could feel their absence from your life long after they left.
My connection with Silas was a soulful one. So, even though he left. I feel him. Some days are better than others. But I truly believe that I will reach that place where needing him will be at the very back of my mind.
He is the one, I won’t forget him either.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
It’s not necessary to have to face our ‘past’ or look toward the ‘future’, or wait for time to heal all wounds so that we can move on. No, sometimes we have to live with all the horrible slashes in life and that is just fine.
Silas is gone. Once those words scared me. The thought of facing that reality scared me. The absence of him in my life terrified me. Now I am strong enough to say, ‘Silas is gone. We’re no longer friends’ and not feel the impact of those words as horribly as they did before.
We stopped contacting each other. He moved on in his life and I moved on in mine. One day he will probably forget my name. As I was just a chapter in his life. Just like he was a page in my book. But a page that I don’t ever want to turn it.
And that is okay. People come and go in your life every day. Some stay while others wither away from it. Because that is the grand thing called life. And if we stayed and cried over every lost thing then we would have lived life in regret. In small pieces with no real adventure.
A very first boy that gain most of my attention and my care as much love was a boy named Silas Blake. He was in my life for a handful of years. He left and I prevailed. I felt lost for so long. But I no longer feel that way. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can take a full breath of fresh air with nothing holding me back. And that is my truth.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Here is the real-life story. Since childhood every girl fantasizes about being a princess. Thinking that one day their prince will come and they will live happily ever after. We believe in love at first sight. A love so strong that it will conquer the world.
But life isn’t a fantasy. We wake up and our life is just a series of events. Our happiness is not tied to a person. We make our own choices in life. We live each moment to the fullest for us. Not for someone else. We are not put on this earth to make others happy.
Friends. Family. We live for them. We only live for those that live for us. The rest are just casualties.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
Beside each thing I must say Silas is the most kind one and one in a million who was blessed with a soft heart but a pain make his heart like an ordinary stone and make his personality like cliff. Most probably all of us face this.
One novel or a book is not enough that give complete colours to his chocolaty personality. How can I forget that one who enter in to my life like splash of beautiful colours, and make me whole how can I.
o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o
A few months later…….
My friends and I were enjoying a lazy day in the sun. When one of them hits me with her elbow. I look at her and she’s looking at someone in front of us. I follow her line of vision and I see Silas.
Then as if he feels me looking at him, he turns to face me. For a second his face is a mask of emotions. And then a small smile escapes him. A smile one would give an old friend. I give him one in return. And with that the past is no longer a series of horrible slashes. It’s just what it is, the past. No longer having a hold of me. A moment in my life. A series of events. A chapter in my life.
